How To Be a Kook

With a new generation of skaters on the come up, I couldn’t stay quiet much longer. The fact is, the quality of kooks has been declining at an alarming rate, so like Brian Peck teaching you BS shuv-it slides, I’m here to lay it down and crack an egg of knowledge over your heads. My topic today is How To Be a Kook. Get ready, cause we’re about to make an omelet in this bish.

What is a kook, you ask? A kook is that person that comments “This video was gnarly!” but gives it a thumbs down on YouTube. They’re the one that asks where every spot is on every picture they see online. They ask what setup you’re riding, especially if it’s already listed somewhere. They’ll blow spots and take pride in it, then look for the next one. It takes a special person to be a kook, but you can do it if you try. Just follow our simple steps:

Step 1: Fix Your Facebook Name

First things first, before you even get your fiendish setup (and we’ll get to that later, trust me) you’re going to need a Facebook account. Use your real first and last name, but make sure to use one of your skate credentials, like “Longest Toesides in CT,” as your middle name. Why? Because it’ll make you more effective for…

Step 2: Make Friends

Add Friend and Message: a kook's best friends.Friend every single sponsored longboarder you’ve ever heard of. If you run out of names, start friending the friends of the sponsored longboarders you just sent friend requests to. If anyone rejects your friend request (especially if you’ve never met nor talked to them) just keep sending them friend requests until they accept. If they still don’t accept you, hunt them down on Twitter and Instagram. That’ll also flow nicely into…

Step 3: Stay Informed

Find every single person you just friended on Facebook and stalk…I mean…follow them on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and Vine. If you need to, create accounts on all of those services. Extra points if you start dressing the same as them and recreating all of their photos/Vines.

Step 4: Show You Care

Comment on everything they post. If a longboard is in a picture, ask what the setup is (ESPECIALLY if they list what the setup is somewhere already) and how much everything costs. It’s also good practice to ask where the spot is if you see a road or people skating in a picture. Advanced kooks will also tell the person that posted the picture that their wrong about facts they clearly know — this should only be done by advanced kooks! It’s not easy!

Very advanced kook messaging skills. Thanks to Mike Girard for the screenshot.

Very advanced kook messaging skills. Thanks to Mike Girard for the screenshot.

Step 5: Get In Touch

Message everyone relentlessly asking to be in edits of theirs, especially if you live far away, and if you can get on their team too. Emphasize that you’re a very serious skateboarder and, despite being 13, you’re a necessity to their team and future marketing efforts.

Step 6: Get Your Setup Right

Kooks need the most fiendish setupAcquire the most fiendish setup money can buy. Go online and troll through every review you can find. Make sure to comment on every post, video, and photo you see asking what they thought about it. Buy that product no matter what they say, that’s what B/S/T’s are for later, right?

Step 7: Crash the Party

Crash every session you hear about. Once you’re there, instead of skating, just ask questions about gear. Ask to borrow everyones setup and do putt tricks on it. Give it back to them and only say what you didn’t like about it. Make sure you only point negatives out, while it might come close, nothing is good enough for a true kook.

Step 8: Just Skate It.

When you’re not up to speed on where a big session is going down, go to every hill you can find and skate it — especially if you know there’s a regular crew that loves it and respects it. If you know there are people that skate it, make sure you don’t tell them you’re going to be there — you don’t need their practical advice. If it’s way out of your league, suck it up and get the road rash you’ve been craving all day. Extra points if you can make the cops come and blow the spot for a few years.

Step 9: Blow Spots

If you don’t feel like skating (who can blame you?) or can’t get a ride the next best thing to do is blow spots. Blowing spots is a great way to share them with everyone so more people can enjoy them. The best thing to do is go online and post the name and location of every run you recognize in photos and videos. If the comment gets deleted just repost it. If someone argues with

In the end…

Remember, this is just a starter guide, if you really want to be a kook, you’ve got to go way above and beyond this tutorial. Put your heart into it and before you know it people everywhere will be talking about how annoying you are, how they hope you don’t show up at their skate spot, and how they’re so much happier now that they blocked you. You’ll be famous!

This also acts as a great guide for How To Not Be a Kook if you do the exact opposite of everything we said here.

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